When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was working in child protection in Vermont. A month later, my husband and I packed up and moved to Pennsylvania. New state, new job, new everything, and a baby on the way.
I thought I knew what was coming. I expected the sleepless nights. I expected the diapers, the feeding schedules, and the learning curve.
What I didn't expect was how much becoming a mom would change me.
After my daughter was born in 2019, I felt lonely in a way I had never felt before. I was anxious. I second-guessed nearly every decision I made. The "village" everyone talks about was nowhere to be found, and I remember quietly wondering where the confident, capable version of me had gone. She used to know what she was doing. Now I was googling everything at 3 a.m. and reheating the same cup of coffee for the fourth time.
When I went back to work, my milk supply dropped. The decision to supplement with formula was emotionally gutting, even though I knew it was okay. Even though I had told other moms it's okay more times than I can count. Knowing something and feeling it are two very different things.
And here's what surprised me most. Everyone asked how the baby was doing. Very few people asked how I was doing.
While everyone talks about the baby, very few people talk about the mother.
If you've been feeling like a stranger in your own life since becoming a mom, I want you to know something right away: you are not broken, and you are not the only one. Identity loss after motherhood is far more common than anyone talks about, and there's actually a word for what you're going through: matrescence.
What Is Matrescence?
Matrescence is the process of becoming a mother. It was coined in the 1970s by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael, and it's meant to sound a lot like adolescence. That's not an accident.
Think about everything that changes when a teenager grows into an adult: their body, their hormones, their relationships, their sense of who they are and where they fit. Nobody expects a 14-year-old to sail through that without some awkwardness, big feelings, and a few identity crises along the way.
Matrescence is a transition of that same size. Dr. Aurélie Athan, a reproductive psychologist at Columbia University who has spent years researching it, describes it as a holistic change across many areas of your life. It touches:
Your body, which has grown, birthed, or fed a whole human (and may not feel like yours yet)
Your brain, which physically changes during pregnancy, with research showing shifts in the areas tied to reading and responding to others
Your relationships, with your partner, your friends, your own parents, and even your coworkers
Your time and freedom, which suddenly belong to someone else a lot of the time
Your sense of self, meaning the values, interests, and roles that used to tell you who you are
Why Nobody Talks About It
Here's the frustrating part. We prepare moms for the baby. We have classes on breastfeeding, car seat installation, and safe sleep. We have registries, baby showers, and a pediatric appointment schedule that runs years into the future.
But there's almost no conversation about what happens to the mother.
So when you start feeling unlike yourself, there's no framework for it. There's no one saying, "Oh, that's matrescence. That's a normal part of this." Instead, it gets filed under "just tired" or "just hormones." Or worse, it becomes something you quietly decide must be wrong with you.
I truly believe a lot of us were sold a bit of a bill of goods. We were told motherhood would come naturally. Some parts of it do. But motherhood in its entirety? None of us know exactly what we're doing. We're all learning as we go and flying by the seat of our pants a little more than we'd like to admit.
What Identity Loss After Motherhood Can Feel Like
Identity loss after motherhood doesn't always look dramatic. Most of the time, it's quiet. It sounds like a thought you push away before you finish having it. Here are a few of the ways it can show up.
Missing Who You Were Before Kids
Maybe you miss sleeping in. Or getting in the car and just going. Or the version of you who had hobbies, finished conversations, and didn't need to pack a diaper bag that weighs as much as a carry-on.
And then the guilt hits: How can I miss my old life when I love my child this much?
Here's the truth. You can love your child with your whole heart and still grieve the life and the self you had before. Both things can be true at the same time. Missing who you were doesn't mean you regret becoming a mom. It means something changed, and change, even good change, comes with loss.
Feeling Disconnected From Yourself
Some moms describe it as going through the motions. You're feeding, changing, driving, packing lunches, answering emails, keeping up with the 875 spirit days crammed into one school year. You're functioning. But somewhere in the middle of all that doing, you've lost track of what you actually think, want, or enjoy.
If someone asked, "What do you like to do for fun?" you might honestly draw a blank.
That isn't a personal failure. When every ounce of your energy goes toward meeting everyone else's needs, there isn't much left over for knowing your own. Disconnection is often a sign of how much you're carrying, not a sign that you're doing something wrong.
Feeling Guilty for Wanting Things Just for You
Maybe you want an hour alone. A night out with friends. To go back to work, or to stay home. To finish a book, or train for a race, or just sit in the car in the driveway for five minutes of quiet before you walk inside.
And almost immediately, the mom guilt shows up: A good mom wouldn't want time away from her kids.
I want to gently push back on that. Wanting things for yourself is not selfish. You are still a whole person, not just someone's mom. The woman and the mother both deserve support, and taking care of one doesn't take away from the other.
Is This a Normal Identity Shift, or Something More?
Feeling unlike yourself is a very normal part of matrescence. But sometimes "I don't feel like myself" is also a sign that something else needs attention, like postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety.
There isn't a perfect line between the two, and you don't need to figure it out on your own. A few questions can help you notice what's going on:
How long has this been happening? Feeling off in the first couple of weeks after birth is common. Feelings that linger, or show up months later, deserve more attention.
Is it getting lighter or heavier? An identity shift tends to slowly settle as you find your footing. Feelings that keep getting heavier are worth talking to someone about.
How much is it affecting your daily life? Pay attention to whether it's touching your sleep, your relationships, your ability to enjoy things, or your ability to get through the day.
Do you feel numb, hopeless, or constantly on edge? These are signs to reach out for support, not to wait out.
Just because you’re still functioning doesn’t mean you aren’t struggling in silence. You can look like you’re holding everything together while using every ounce of energy you have just to get through the day.
If you're in the postpartum season and not sure where you land, I created a free 7-day workbook called Why Am I Reacting Like This? One day at a time, it walks you through when this started, what you're actually experiencing, how much it's affecting your life, and whether things are getting lighter or heavier. By the end, you'll have a clearer picture and a next step that feels right for you.
If you're having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or you feel unsafe, please don't wait. Call or text 988, call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also reach the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773.
Finding Yourself Again Doesn't Mean Going Back
When moms tell me, "I just want to feel like myself again," I understand completely. I said those exact words.
But here's what I've learned, both personally and in my work with women: finding yourself again usually doesn't mean going back to who you were before kids. That version of you lived a different life, with different responsibilities and a different heart.
Finding yourself again means getting to know who you're becoming.
Some parts of the old you will come back. Maybe it's your sense of humor, your love of reading, or your confidence at work. Other parts will change. And some brand-new parts will show up that you never expected, like a fierceness, a patience, or a clarity about what really matters to you.
A few small places to start:
Name what you miss. Be specific. "I miss feeling interesting" or "I miss quiet mornings" tells you a lot more than "I miss my old life."
Reclaim one small thing. Not a total life overhaul. Just one thing that's yours, even if it's 15 minutes with a book and a cup of coffee that's actually hot.
Say it out loud to someone safe. The more we keep these feelings to ourselves, the heavier they get. Hearing "me too" can be a huge relief.
Let go of the timeline. There's no deadline for feeling like yourself. Some seasons feel heavier than others, and that's okay.
How Therapy for Moms Can Help
Sometimes you need more than a list of tips. You need a safe place where you can finally stop holding everything together and exhale.
Therapy gives you a space that's just for you. Not the baby, not your partner, not your to-do list. In our work together, we can make sense of the changes you're going through, untangle the guilt, and help you reconnect with yourself in a way that feels real, not forced. It's not about becoming a perfect mom. It's about feeling more grounded, more confident, and more like you, as a woman and not just as a mom.
As a therapist for moms in York, PA, with an advanced training in perinatal mental health through Postpartum Support International, I support women through pregnancy, postpartum, and every season of motherhood. I offer in-person sessions in York and virtual therapy for moms throughout Pennsylvania.
You Matter in This Story, Too
Not just the baby. You.
If you've been waiting to feel like yourself again, I'd love to help you find your way back. Book a free consultation, or if you're in the postpartum season, start with my free 7-day workbook, Why Am I Reacting Like This?
You don't have to keep carrying this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to not feel like myself after having a baby?
Yes. Becoming a mother changes your body, brain, relationships, and daily life, so it makes sense that your sense of self shifts too. This transition is called matrescence. If those feelings are getting heavier, lasting a long time, or making daily life hard, it's a good idea to talk with a professional.
What is matrescence?
Matrescence is the developmental transition of becoming a mother. The term was coined by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael and is often compared to adolescence, because it involves physical, emotional, social, and identity changes all at once.
Is it wrong to miss my life before kids?
No. Missing your old life doesn't mean you don't love your children or regret becoming a mom. It means something meaningful changed. You can love your kids deeply and still grieve parts of who you used to be.
How long does it take to feel like yourself again after having a baby?
There's no set timeline. For many women, it happens gradually as they adjust to new roles and routines. Feeling like yourself again often looks less like going back and more like getting to know who you're becoming.
Can therapy help with identity loss after motherhood?
Yes. Therapy offers a space to make sense of the changes you're experiencing, work through guilt and pressure, and reconnect with your values, interests, and confidence. You don't need a diagnosis or a crisis to reach out.
Do you offer therapy for moms in York, PA?
Yes. Catsam Wellness offers in-person therapy for moms in York, PA, and virtual therapy throughout Pennsylvania. Book a free consultation to see if we're a good fit.
